In a previous post, I discussed the importance of Praise. There are five positive parenting skills I will focus on. These can be practiced throughout the day or during a set-aside play time (five minutes). I am a Certified Parent Child Interaction Therapist (PCIT) and these are the skills taught in the beginning to help parents improve their relationship with their child and to improve child's behaviors. In PCIT, parents are encouraged to play with their child for five minutes per day; allowing the child to lead the play.
The next skill I will be focusing on is Reflections. Children need and deserve to be heard. Reflections help you listen better to your child while improving your relationship.
Here are the benefits of reflecting your child:
1. Improved Play/Social Skills
2. Allows child to feel heard and understood.
3. Improved communication, speech, and language.
4. Teaches Concepts
5. Emotional Regulation
Here are some ways to enhance the benefits
1. Improved Play/Social Skills
When you are not used to playing with your child; it might be challenging to know what to do. Allowing them to lead by following along, makes this time easier and more enjoyable for both of you. If they are using their imagination, jump in. When you reflect what they are saying, they will be so pleased and excited. Even reflect the noises they make!
CHILD: (wearing a towel around his neck) Look! I'm Cat Boy!
ADULT: You ARE Cat Boy! Ready for action!
CHILD: (building with Legos) I'm making an ice cream store.
ADULT: This is an ice cream store. I can't wait to try some ice cream.
CHILD: (moving a toy through the air) ZOOOOOOOM!
ADULT: ZOOOOOOM!
You're child may look at you funny in the beginning if this is a new way of talking but you will both get used to it and benefit from it!
2. Allows child to feel heard and understood.
Just like adults, we like to be understood. My child repeats herself nonstop. It can get annoying, especially when I feel like I've acknowledged her. I will say things like "Yup" or "Ok" or "You got it". She really only stops when I get down to her level, look her in the eyes, and repeat back to her what she is saying. She will then nod and almost sigh with relief. Like, "finally, this woman gets it".
CHILD: Mom, mommy. I want milk. Hey, I want milk. Mom, I want milk. I want milk!
ADULT: You are thirsty for some milk. I am making you a snack right now and plan to get you milk when the snack is finished.
CHILD: Yesterday, I saw a giraffe at the zoo with Grandma. It was yesterday. I saw a giraffe. Grandma and I saw a giraffe, daddy.
ADULT: You saw a GIFAFFE! How exciting.
3. Improved communication, speech, and language.
Feel free to gently correct them when reflecting. Just reflect what is said using the correct pronunciation, verb tense, vocabulary, etc.
CHILD: Me likey sghetti!
ADULT: You like spaghetti. Me too!
CHILD: I asidentably broked the tower.
ADULT: You accidently broke the tower.
4. Teach concepts.
You can also take this time to add some knowledge (briefly) to the reflection. Remember, this is about you "hearing" them and not about you providing a lesson.
CHILD: I made tower!
ADULT: You made a green tower!
CHILD: The dinosaur is chasing the rhino.
ADULT: That stegosaurus is chasing the rhinoceros.
5. Emotional Regulation
You can help your child understand their emotions by helping them label them. You can help the child regulate their emotions by listening to them and helping them feel understood. Do not be afraid to be wrong. Your child WILL correct you. This is actually a good thing as this enhances communication and opens the door for future communication.
CHILD: HE IS IN MY ROOM!!
ADULT: You feel annoyed that he is in your space right now.
CHILD: No, I'm angry!
ADULT: Ah, you are angry.
CHILD: AGH! She took my toy!
ADULT: You are frustrated that your toy was taken away without your permission.
TIP: When reflecting, avoid posing it as a question. Questions might suggest that you don't believe the child. They may suggest you are not truly listening. Simply state their words back to them.
***These can be used with older children, teenagers, and husband. They might not appreciate "parroting".
Instead start with these phrases:
"Let me see if I heard you right...."
"Ok, what I hear you saying is.."
"Can I see if I understand?"
Follow up with a paraphrase of what is being said.
