Benefits of Praise
1. Positive Reinforcement
Behaviors that receive attention are reinforced. If you want an action to increase, draw attention to it. Often negative behaviors are reinforced because they draw attention but if we manage our reactions to focus on the positive behaviors, they will continue and increase.
2. Positive Emotions
We are talking about fuzzy feelings. Getting praised, makes people feel good. They feel proud, successful, happy, loved. And as a parent, that makes us feel proud, successful, happy, and loving. How is this a bad thing?
3. Improved Bond
Positive praise elicits positive emotions and helps develop a bond between people. Your reaction should be so fun, that the child wants to please you. Not because of your power but because of your love.
4. Education
When you add a label to the praise, you are offering a teaching moment. You are teaching expected behaviors. You are teaching social skills. You are teaching emotional regulation. You are helping the child conceptualize their actions by putting it into words.
How to appropriately praise your child:
1. Identify and define positive behaviors.
Brainstorm and make a list of behaviors you want to see more of. This can vary from parent to parent. If you value independence, define what that looks like for your child. If you value curiosity, define that.
Intentionally and mindfully think of the opposite of problem behaviors. It is definitely easy to notice when your child is screaming. Or whining. Or throwing things. Or making a mess. Or breaking something. Define the opposite of these behaviors and what you WANT to see. You might want your child to use an inside voice, to use their words, to be gentle, to move slowly. We don't often notice these things because they are expected and are not attention-grabbing. If you think about these things ahead of time and have a written list, it will help.
2. Look for and notice the positivity. Be intentional on looking for behaviors that are positive. Be mindful and notice. "Catch them being good". Really look for things to praise. Somethings might be more obvious than others. Think about your list while making breakfast, while getting ready for bed, while at the grocery store. Begin noticing all the positive things that are being done by your child.
3. Provide praise with a specific label. Call it out, draw attention to it, clap your hands, hoot and holler, or just smile.
Praise it. "I love it when...." "Great job..." "You are so smart ..." "I'm so proud". "Nice work"
Label it. "I love it when you use an inside voice while we are shopping". "Great job playing gently with your toys". "You are so smart to hold that cup with two hands". "I'm so proud when you use words to tell me what you need". "Nice work problem solving"
TIPS:
Avoid shaming or including what they are not do
For example:
"Great job finally getting something right"...well that doesn't feel so good. Let's not bring up past behaviors or words like 'actually' or "finally"
"Great job NOT hitting" does not point out the strategy that they ARE doing. This draws attention to the act of hitting and continues to reinforce that negative behavior instead of using gentle hands or using self control.
How to adapt this with adults:
Think about relationships that you are in. Words of affirmation is a language of love. I speak that language and need my husband to tell what he loves about me. It means so much more to me if he says "I love you for the way you laugh at yourself." than if he were to vaguely say "I love you for being wonderful". Although those words are nice, I like to hear the specifics. This goes both ways. My husband likes to be appreciated so I might say "Thank you for staying late at work to provide for our family". or "I appreciate when you chip in around the house by taking the trash out". And sometimes it works for behaviors you want to see increase like "You are so good at back massages."
Try it at work too.
There might be things that drive you crazy about a co-worker but you can also "catch them being good". If your co-worker lacks effective communication but sends you an email one day, praise that! "I really liked that email you sent me this morning! It helped me understand where you were at so I could finalize my steps and we could be on the same page! Thank you so much!" Fingers crossed, you will receive more communication via email.
At my last job, we all struggled with not feeling appreciated for the work we were doing. To rectify this, we had a supervisor send emails that ended in "I appreciate all the work you do". It was ok but I didn't really feel "noticed". It was a general statement to us all. My new boss will send an email to say "You're doing great at the timeliness of your notes. They are thorough yet to the point. Great job". Well, shit. Thank you for noticing. I like that you noticed and now I take pride in my notes and want to keep that behavior up. .