Toddler Tuesday

Welp.  My 3 year old child said "Damn It" this morning.  Loud and clear.  She has said it before and I was able to ignore it because to the outside ear, it didn't sound like much.  Where would she get something like that from?  Funny you should ask... Me. The answer is me.  Talk about guilt and shame. 

I grew up in a home that never used curse words or inappropriate language. My dad swore twice and I remember it very vividly.  He swore twice in 18 years of my life under his roof.  And here we are, only 3 years in and my daughter has heard me say it enough times for her to repeat it in correct context.  So this morning, I quietly told her "We don't say that. We can say 'Oh bummer'".  

Here is my plan to #behaviormanagement:     

1. Stop swearing.     #modeling  

2. Use Planned Ignoring #plannedignoring    

3. Give her replacement words/phrases.  #replacementbehaviors #redirection

 4. Praise her when she handles situations with patience and problem solving. #labeledpraise

I'd like to clarify that I am typically perceived by others to be patient, sweet, and gentle.  Co-workers and friends would be surprised if I used swear words or curse words.  However, once I became a mom, I let my children see this monster inside of me.  I literally growl. I yell. I grunt. I swear.  Why do I hold myself together so well in front of everyone except the people who mean the most to me? The little people that should see their mother as a role model? The people who love me unconditionally?

I would also like to clarify that I have worked in #behavioral health for the past 11 years.  I am fully aware of the impact of #modeling. I am fully aware of #behavioraltechniques to manage children who swear.  I am fully aware of the emotional impact children experience when exposed to verbal aggression.  And I cannot stop myself.  Oh the shame and guilt.  How can an expert in this field be so bad at her job in her own home setting. Did you see my plan up there? Looks good, right?  Once again, I know the drill. BUUUT,  #Motherhood is hard. It can bring out the worst in us.  I have never felt so exposed. So stripped of composure and class. So drained and empty. I have held my head in shame and felt like a complete monster.  I have watched Tangled and related so much to Mother Gothel that I've been overwhelmed with confusion. Who am I?!

So I need a new plan. I need to put my hands deep in my pockets to pull out tools that I am familiar with to take care of my self.  Step one in my original plan is to stop swearing.  In order to do this I need some long term and short term pro-active #strategies to improve #mentalfitness and #wellbeing.

Long term strategies:

1. Sleep.  I actually laugh at this idea. Sleep is hard to come by but the reality is, I'm going to be nicer if I sleep better. And somethings are more in my control that I always realize. I can refrain from staying up late watching television and I can avoid looking at my phone in bed. 2. Eat healthy Once again. The older I get, the more I notice the benefits of eating my vegetables. I feel groggy and disgusting after eating fast food but energized and enthusiastic after eating roasted veggies and protein. So simple. So necessary.    

3. Exercise Again, simply put, I am nicer after exercising.   disclaimer: I plan to do future blogs with more scientific explanations of the neurological benefits of theses strategies. These are obvious and simple but effective. Do what works for you.

Short term strategies.  Things are starting to hit the fan. My heart is beating faster. Everything is getting louder. I am starting to lose control.

1. Breathe. 3 counts in through the nose. 5 counts out through the mouth.

2. Phone a friend. If my husband is around, I will signal to him that he needs to step in for 5 minutes while I walk away   or continue breathing. We have talked about this already and have developed a signal that implies help is needed. Ours is the peace sign. Yours could be a hand signal or a random phrase that implies the same thing.

3. Replacement Phrases.  Have a go to phrase to use when becoming frustrated. Replacement phrases. Did the teacher just become the student? (Ex. Oh Dear, bummer, ooga-ooga, schnigglefritz, ah-snap)

4. Have a #mantra. I guess I'm all about phrases. But if you don't have a ton of support, sometime internal dialogue has to get you through. I like the phrase "peace begins with me". I picked this up from Yoga with children. I say it in my head while tapping my thumb to each of my other fingers.  What a good reminder of how this can all start and end with "me". 

Give yourself a break. Know you're a good mom and sometimes things are just DAMN hard.