A cognitive distortion is a thought we have about an event that is irrational, untrue, or harmful. There are a lot of factors that play into our automatic thoughts. Often, it is what society tells us, close family or friends tell us, or what we tell ourselves based on our own personal experiences. When an automatic thought is negative, negative feelings and actions generally follow. And this often perpetuates the cycle and leads to self-fulfilling prophecy.
The cognitive distortions that will be tackled today, are Should Statements. These thoughts lead with “I should”, “I ought to“ or “I have to”. These are rigid expectations we have for ourselves or for others. They can be based on what you think is expected of you from society, from your parents, or from your boss. Starting a statement with "I should" is generally not problematic. It becomes irrational when it becomes a rigid rule, is based on opinion, or is harmful or hurtful. If we hold others to these expectations and they do not comply; anger and frustration form. If we hold ourselves to these rigid expectations; feelings of worry, panic, and fear form. If we can't meet our own expectations; feelings of guilt, hopeless, and depression might form.
If one were to wake up and say "I should get out of bed and go to work." Well..yes, yes you should. That would be the responsible thing to do. This statement in general context is actually healthy. It becomes a distortion when it continues with "I should get out of bed and go to work no matter what". So if you are ill, need rest, and need to avoid contaminating your office; you SHOULD stay in bed and call in sick.
Here are some common examples of "Should Statements":
Expectations from Society
I should be married with a child, a dog, and a house by age 30.
I should have flat abs, a round butt, and perky breasts.
I should own the latest pair of Jordan's.
Expectations for self
I should be able to handle this on my own.
I should have a clean house.
I should avoid conflict.
Expectations for others
My colleague should just do her job.
My partner should buy me flowers for my anniversary.
My friend should initiate contact.
Here are some steps and strategies to restructure and reframe the thoughts to be more helpful, positive, and productive.
1. Identify the distortion I love the acronym THINK. Is the statement Truthful, Helpful, Inspiring, Necessary, or Kind?
2. Is the statement based on fact or opinion? How valuable is the opinion?
3. Be a friend to yourself. We are very hard on ourselves. If we heard a friend say these thoughts out loud, we would correct them. What would you say to a friend? Use that compassion and rational thinking toward yourself.
4. Rate the importance Make a scale of 0-100. Give the statement a value of importance. Or if the expectation isn't met, scale how large of a problem that would be.
5. Survey Method. Check in with others. Sometimes when we get stuck in our automatic negative thoughts, we don't realize that others do not think this way because it is not truthful or helpful. Ask a trusted friend how they think about the topic you are struggling with.
6. Semantic Method. Sometimes things are simply a matter of semantics. Altering "I should" to "I'd like to" or "It would be nice if" puts things in a different perspective.
7. Cost/Benefit Analysis If you are really stuck, you can analyze the pros and cons to thinking this way. Use a cost/benefit worksheet to create a list of how the thought benefits you verse how it hurts.
8. Reframe: The more you tell yourself or hear something, the more you believe it. Create a positive reframe and repeat it to yourself. Make this new thought automatic.
If we look at the examples, we can walk through the restructuring process.
EXAMPLE 1: I should have flat abs, a round butt, and perky breasts.
1. Identify the distortion. Is it truthful? This is not truthful/realistic for everyone. Is it helpful? Maybe? This might help some people stay focused on workout goals. But generally, you can't spot reduce are lift. Is it inspiring? It could make some people feel inspired. Is it necessary? No. Is it kind? Not really. When I focus on this thought, I kind of feel like garbage.
2. Fact or opinion. This is an opinion. An opinion that has shifted over time. An opinion that shifts from person to person. Is this your opinion?
3. Be a friend to yourself. What would you say to a friend that says this? "You are beautiful the way you are." "I would kill for your curves." "You are healthy" "You are natural"
4. Rate the importance. If this is under 60 on a scale value to you, don't worry about it. If it is higher than 60, maybe re-evaluate your priorities.
5. Survey method. You might be surprised what others think is beautiful about a human body.
6. Semantic Method. "I'd like to have six pack abs". This now sounds goal oriented. This now sounds less rigid.
7. Cost/Benefit Analysis.
8. Reframe. "I have a goal to be fit, healthy, and to love my authentic self." This feel so much more positive. Repeat it. Believe it.
EXAMPLE 2: I should be able to handle this on my own.
1. Identify the distortion. So this depends on context. If you are trying to tie your own shoes and have been able to since kindergarten, then it's a normal thought. If you are new to a job and are feeling overwhelmed, it might exacerbate the stress you feel if you don't ask for help. If you are feeling depressed and have had thoughts of self harm, you are not expected to handle it on your own and that could be harmful.
2. Fact or opinion. This is an opinion and there are many variables to consider.
3. Be a friend to yourself. If a close friend told you they were handling their depression on their own, what would you say? If a close friend told you they were handling their addiction on their own, what would you say? If a new co-worker told you they were handling their first projects on their own, what would you say?
4. Rate the importance. If
5. Survey method. This is a catch 22 because if you are hesitant to ask for help, you will probably be hesitant to confide in a friend that you need help knowing if that's a healthy expectation or not.
6. Semantic Method. "I should" is so much pressure. How can you change the words to make this statement more compassionate to yourself?
7. Cost/Benefit Analysis. How does handling things on your own serve you? How does it hurt you?
8. Reframe. I think safety is huge with this one. If you are in danger, you can ask for help. If you have a lot of pride, maybe ask yourself how it impacts your situation as a whole. If you are holding up co-workers, I can bet they would rather you ask for help than wait around for you to fumble through it. "I can tackle this independently until I become stuck or in danger"
Try the other examples on your own. If you don't relate to them, write down some expectations you have for yourself or others and see if you can identify if it is a distortion. See if you can restructure it to be more truthful, helpful, inspiring, necessary, or kind.
